"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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