Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
