i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
