this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
