Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
