my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
