I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
