i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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