i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
