i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
