my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
