Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
