I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
