He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
