She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
