I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
