I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
