Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Randomize
