Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
