My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
