Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
