I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
