I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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