hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
