so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
