Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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