Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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