I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
