he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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