Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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