so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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