I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
