my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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