the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I cut my penus on the lid.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
