someone threw a dead crab at me
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
