the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
