Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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