The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
