I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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