So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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