You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
