She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
