she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
