i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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