My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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