so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Your penis caused this!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize