I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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