Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
