Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
