I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize