Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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