I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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