Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize