I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
