I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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