So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
