i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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