So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
They took my balls.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
