Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
